Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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