please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
