Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just threw up on my dentist
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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