two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
