we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
