I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
