I can tuck mytits in my pants
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
