You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
