I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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