Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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