I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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