Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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