low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize