Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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