I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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