I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
