Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
