I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
