I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
