You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
