i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
As shirtless as possible
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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