someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
