We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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