Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
