Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
