she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
