Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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