Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Im part way to drunk.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
