Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
