I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
