you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
