I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
