i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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