please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
