My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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