If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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