I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
