You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
