just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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