So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
