yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Randomize
