I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
