new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
