Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
