I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
