I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
