I cockslap morals
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
