i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
