I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
