I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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